Windows of Love

SKETCHES OF YOUNG COUPLES

THAT Her Most Gracious Majesty, Victoria, by the Grace of God of theUnited Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland Queen, Defender of theFaith, did, on the 23rd day of November last past, declare and pronounceto Her Most Honourable Privy Council, Her Majesty?s Most Graciousintention of entering into the bonds of wedlock.

THAT Her Most Gracious Majesty, in so making known Her Most Graciousintention to Her Most Honourable Privy Council as aforesaid, did use andemploy the words??It is my intention to ally myself in marriage withPrince Albert of Saxe Coburg and Gotha.?

THAT the present is Bissextile, or Leap Year, in which it is held andconsidered lawful for any lady to offer and submit proposals of marriageto any gentleman, and to enforce and insist upon acceptance of the same,under pain of a certain fine or penalty; to wit, one silk or satin dressof the first quality, to be chosen by the lady and paid (or owed) for,by the gentleman.

THAT these and other the horrors and dangers with which the saidBissextile, or Leap Year, threatens the gentlemen of England on everyoccasion of its periodical return, have been greatly aggravated andaugmented by the terms of Her Majesty?s said Most Graciouscommunication, which have filled the heads of divers young ladies inthis Realm with certain new ideas destructive to the peace of mankind,that never entered their imagination before.

THAT a case has occurred in Camberwell, in which a young lady informedher Papa that ?she intended to ally herself in marriage? with Mr. Smithof Stepney; and that another, and a very distressing case, has occurredat Tottenham, in which a young lady not only stated her intention ofallying herself in marriage with her cousin John, but, taking violentpossession of her said cousin, actually married him.

THAT similar outrages are of constant occurrence, not only in thecapital and its neighbourhood, but throughout the kingdom, and thatunless the excited female populace be speedily checked and restrained intheir lawless proceedings, most deplorable results must ensue therefrom;among which may be anticipated a most alarming increase in thepopulation of the country, with which no efforts of the agricultural ormanufacturing interest can possibly keep pace.

THAT there is strong reason to suspect the existence of a most extensiveplot, conspiracy, or design, secretly contrived by vast numbers ofsingle ladies in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, andnow extending its ramifications in every quarter of the land; the objectand intent of which plainly appears to be the holding and solemnising of

an enormous and unprecedented number of marriages, on the day on whichthe nuptials of Her said Most Gracious Majesty are performed.

THAT such plot, conspiracy, or design, strongly savours of Popery, astending to the discomfiture of the Clergy of the Established Church, byentailing upon them great mental and physical exhaustion; and that suchPopish plots are fomented and encouraged by Her Majesty?s Ministers,which clearly appears?not only from Her Majesty?s principal Secretary ofState for Foreign Affairs traitorously getting married while holdingoffice under the Crown; but from Mr. O?Connell having been heard todeclare and avow that, if he had a daughter to marry, she should bemarried on the same day as Her said Most Gracious Majesty.

THAT such arch plots, conspiracies, and designs, besides being fraughtwith danger to the Established Church, and (consequently) to the State,cannot fail to bring ruin and bankruptcy upon a large class of HerMajesty?s subjects; as a great and sudden increase in the number ofmarried men occasioning the comparative desertion (for a time) ofTaverns, Hotels, Billiard-rooms, and Gaming-Houses, will deprive theProprietors of their accustomed profits and returns. And in furtherproof of the depth and baseness of such designs, it may be hereobserved, that all proprietors of Taverns, Hotels, Billiard-rooms, andGaming-Houses, are (especially the last) solemnly devoted to theProtestant religion.

FOR all these reasons, and many others of no less gravity and import, anurgent appeal is made to the gentlemen of England (being bachelors orwidowers) to take immediate steps for convening a Public meeting; Toconsider of the best and surest means of averting the dangers with whichthey are threatened by the recurrence of Bissextile, or Leap Year, andthe additional sensation created among single ladies by the terms of HerMajesty?s Most Gracious Declaration; To take measures, without delay,for resisting the said single Ladies, and counteracting their evildesigns; And to pray Her Majesty to dismiss her present Ministers, andto summon to her Councils those distinguished Gentlemen in variousHonourable Professions who, by insulting on all occasions the only Ladyin England who can be insulted with safety, have given a sufficientguarantee to Her Majesty?s Loving Subjects that they, at least, arequalified to make war with women, and are already expert in the use ofthose weapons which are common to the lowest and most abandoned of the sex.

THE YOUNG COUPLE

There is to be a wedding this morning at the corner house in theterrace. The pastry-cook?s people have been there half-a-dozen timesalready; all day yesterday there was a great stir and bustle, and they

were up this morning as soon as it was light. Miss Emma Fielding isgoing to be married to young Mr. Harvey.

Heaven alone can tell in what bright colours this marriage is paintedupon the mind of the little housemaid at number six, who has hardlyslept a wink all night with thinking of it, and now stands on theunswept door-steps leaning upon her broom, and looking wistfully towardsthe enchanted house. Nothing short of omniscience can divine whatvisions of the baker, or the green-grocer, or the smart and mostinsinuating butterman, are flitting across her mind?what thoughts of howshe would dress on such an occasion, if she were a lady?of how she woulddress, if she were only a bride?of how cook would dress, beingbridesmaid, conjointly with her sister ?in place? at Fulham, and how theclergyman, deeming them so many ladies, would be quite humbled andrespectful. What day-dreams of hope and happiness?of life being oneperpetual holiday, with no master and no mistress to grant or withholdit?of every Sunday being a Sunday out?of pure freedom as to curls andringlets, and no obligation to hide fine heads of hair in caps?whatpictures of happiness, vast and immense to her, but utterly ridiculousto us, bewilder the brain of the little housemaid at number six, allcalled into existence by the wedding at the corner!

We smile at such things, and so we should, though perhaps for a betterreason than commonly presents itself. It should be pleasant to us toknow that there are notions of happiness so moderate and limited, sinceupon those who entertain them, happiness and lightness of heart are veryeasily bestowed.

But the little housemaid is awakened from her reverie, for forth fromthe door of the magical corner house there runs towards her, allfluttering in smart new dress and streaming ribands, her friend JaneAdams, who comes all out of breath to redeem a solemn promise of takingher in, under cover of the confusion, to see the breakfast table spreadforth in state, and?sight of sights!?her young mistress ready dressedfor church.

And there, in good truth, when they have stolen up-stairs on tip-toe andedged themselves in at the chamber-door?there is Miss Emma ?looking likethe sweetest picter,? in a white chip bonnet and orange flowers, and allother elegancies becoming a bride, (with the make, shape, and quality ofevery article of which the girl is perfectly familiar in one moment, andnever forgets to her dying day)?and there is Miss Emma?s mamma in tears,and Miss Emma?s papa comforting her, and saying how that of course shehas been long looking forward to this, and how happy she ought to be?andthere too is Miss Emma?s sister with her arms round her neck, and theother bridesmaid all smiles and tears, quieting the children, who wouldcry more but that they are so finely dressed, and yet sob for fearsister Emma should be taken away?and it is all so affecting, that thetwo servant-girls cry more than anybody; and Jane Adams, sitting downupon the stairs, when they have crept away, declares that her legs

tremble so that she don?t know what to do, and that she will say forMiss Emma, that she never had a hasty word from her, and that she doeshope and pray she may be happy.

But Jane soon comes round again, and then surely there never wasanything like the breakfast table, glittering with plate and china, andset out with flowers and sweets, and long-necked bottles, in the mostsumptuous and dazzling manner. In the centre, too, is the mighty charm,the cake, glistening with frosted sugar, and garnished beautifully.They agree that there ought to be a little Cupid under one of thebarley-sugar temples, or at least two hearts and an arrow; but, withthis exception, there is nothing to wish for, and a table could not behandsomer. As they arrive at this conclusion, who should come in butMr. John! to whom Jane says that its only Anne from number six; and Johnsays /he/ knows, for he?s often winked his eye down the area, whichcauses Anne to blush and look confused. She is going away, indeed; whenMr. John will have it that she must drink a glass of wine, and he saysnever mind it?s being early in the morning, it won?t hurt her: so theyshut the door and pour out the wine; and Anne drinking lane?s health,and adding, ?and here?s wishing you yours, Mr. John,? drinks it in agreat many sips,?Mr. John all the time making jokes appropriate to theoccasion. At last Mr. John, who has waxed bolder by degrees, pleads theusage at weddings, and claims the privilege of a kiss, which he obtainsafter a great scuffle; and footsteps being now heard on the stairs, theydisperse suddenly.

By this time a carriage has driven up to convey the bride to church, andAnne of number six prolonging the process of ?cleaning her door,? hasthe satisfaction of beholding the bride and bridesmaids, and the papaand mamma, hurry into the same and drive rapidly off. Nor is this all,for soon other carriages begin to arrive with a posse of company allbeautifully dressed, at whom she could stand and gaze for ever; buthaving something else to do, is compelled to take one last long look andshut the street-door.

And now the company have gone down to breakfast, and tears have givenplace to smiles, for all the corks are out of the long-necked bottles,and their contents are disappearing rapidly. Miss Emma?s papa is at thetop of the table; Miss Emma?s mamma at the bottom; and beside the latterare Miss Emma herself and her husband,?admitted on all hands to be thehandsomest and most interesting young couple ever known. All down bothsides of the table, too, are various young ladies, beautiful to see, andvarious young gentlemen who seem to think so; and there, in a post ofhonour, is an unmarried aunt of Miss Emma?s, reported to possessunheard-of riches, and to have expressed vast testamentary intentionsrespecting her favourite niece and new nephew. This lady has been veryliberal and generous already, as the jewels worn by the bride abundantlytestify, but that is nothing to what she means to do, or even to whatshe has done, for she put herself in close communication with thedressmaker three months ago, and prepared a wardrobe (with some articles

worked by her own hands) fit for a Princess. People may call her an oldmaid, and so she may be, but she is neither cross nor ugly for all that;on the contrary, she is very cheerful and pleasant-looking, and verykind and tender-hearted: which is no matter of surprise except to thosewho yield to popular prejudices without thinking why, and will nevergrow wiser and never know better.

Of all the company though, none are more pleasant to behold or betterpleased with themselves than two young children, who, in honour of theday, have seats among the guests. Of these, one is a little fellow ofsix or eight years old, brother to the bride,?and the other a girl ofthe same age, or something younger, whom he calls ?his wife.? The realbride and bridegroom are not more devoted than they: he all love andattention, and she all blushes and fondness, toying with a littlebouquet which he gave her this morning, and placing the scatteredrose-leaves in her bosom with nature?s own coquettishness. They havedreamt of each other in their quiet dreams, these children, and theirlittle hearts have been nearly broken when the absent one has beendispraised in jest. When will there come in after-life a passion soearnest, generous, and true as theirs; what, even in its gentlestrealities, can have the grace and charm that hover round such fairy lovers!

By this time the merriment and happiness of the feast have gained theirheight; certain ominous looks begin to be exchanged between thebridesmaids, and somehow it gets whispered about that the carriage whichis to take the young couple into the country has arrived. Such membersof the party as are most disposed to prolong its enjoyments, affect toconsider this a false alarm, but it turns out too true, being speedilyconfirmed, first by the retirement of the bride and a select file ofintimates who are to prepare her for the journey, and secondly by thewithdrawal of the ladies generally. To this there ensues a particularlyawkward pause, in which everybody essays to be facetious, and nobodysucceeds; at length the bridegroom makes a mysterious disappearance inobedience to some equally mysterious signal; and the table is deserted.

Now, for at least six weeks last past it has been solemnly devised andsettled that the young couple should go away in secret; but they nosooner appear without the door than the drawing-room windows are blockedup with ladies waving their handkerchiefs and kissing their hands, andthe dining-room panes with gentlemen?s faces beaming farewell in everyqueer variety of its expression. The hall and steps are crowded withservants in white favours, mixed up with particular friends andrelations who have darted out to say good-bye; and foremost in the groupare the tiny lovers arm in arm, thinking, with fluttering hearts, whathappiness it would be to dash away together in that gallant coach, andnever part again.

The bride has barely time for one hurried glance at her old home, whenthe steps rattle, the door slams, the horses clatter on the pavement,and they have left it far away.

A knot of women servants still remain clustered in the hall, whisperingamong themselves, and there of course is Anne from number six, who hasmade another escape on some plea or other, and been an admiring witnessof the departure. There are two points on which Anne expatiates overand over again, without the smallest appearance of fatigue or intendingto leave off; one is, that she ?never see in all her life such a?oh sucha angel of a gentleman as Mr. Harvey??and the other, that she ?can?ttell how it is, but it don?t seem a bit like a work-a-day, or a Sundayneither?it?s all so unsettled and unregular.?

THE FORMAL COUPLE

The formal couple are the most prim, cold, immovable, and unsatisfactorypeople on the face of the earth. Their faces, voices, dress, house,furniture, walk, and manner, are all the essence of formality,unrelieved by one redeeming touch of frankness, heartiness, or nature.

Everything with the formal couple resolves itself into a matter ofform. They don?t call upon you on your account, but their own; not tosee how you are, but to show how they are: it is not a ceremony to dohonour to you, but to themselves,?not due to your position, but totheirs. If one of a friend?s children die, the formal couple are assure and punctual in sending to the house as the undertaker; if afriend?s family be increased, the monthly nurse is not more attentivethan they. The formal couple, in fact, joyfully seize all occasions oftestifying their good-breeding and precise observance of the littleusages of society; and for you, who are the means to this end, they careas much as a man does for the tailor who has enabled him to cut afigure, or a woman for the milliner who has assisted her to a conquest.

Having an extensive connexion among that kind of people who makeacquaintances and eschew friends, the formal gentleman attends from timeto time a great many funerals, to which he is formally invited, and towhich he formally goes, as returning a call for the last time. Here hisdeportment is of the most faultless description; he knows the exactpitch of voice it is proper to assume, the sombre look he ought to wear,the melancholy tread which should be his gait for the day. He isperfectly acquainted with all the dreary courtesies to be observed in amourning-coach; knows when to sigh, and when to hide his nose in thewhite handkerchief; and looks into the grave and shakes his head whenthe ceremony is concluded, with the sad formality of a mute.

?What kind of funeral was it?? says the formal lady, when he returnshome. ?Oh!? replies the formal gentleman, ?there never was such a grossand disgusting impropriety; there were no feathers.? ?No feathers!?

cries the lady, as if on wings of black feathers dead people fly toHeaven, and, lacking them, they must of necessity go elsewhere. Herhusband shakes his head; and further adds, that they had seed-cakeinstead of plum-cake, and that it was all white wine. ?All white wine!?exclaims his wife. ?Nothing but sherry and madeira,? says the husband.?What! no port?? ?Not a drop.? No port, no plums, and no feathers!?You will recollect, my dear,? says the formal lady, in a voice ofstately reproof, ?that when we first met this poor man who is now deadand gone, and he took that very strange course of addressing me atdinner without being previously introduced, I ventured to express myopinion that the family were quite ignorant of etiquette, and veryimperfectly acquainted with the decencies of life. You have now had agood opportunity of judging for yourself, and all I have to say is, thatI trust you will never go to a funeral /there/ again.? ?My dear,?replies the formal gentleman, ?I never will.? So the informal deceasedis cut in his grave; and the formal couple, when they tell the story ofthe funeral, shake their heads, and wonder what some people?s feelings/are/ made of, and what their notions of propriety /can/ be!

If the formal couple have a family (which they sometimes have), they arenot children, but little, pale, sour, sharp-nosed men and women; and soexquisitely brought up, that they might be very old dwarfs for anythingthat appeareth to the contrary. Indeed, they are so acquainted withforms and conventionalities, and conduct themselves with such strictdecorum, that to see the little girl break a looking-glass in some wildoutbreak, or the little boy kick his parents, would be to any visitor anunspeakable relief and consolation.

The formal couple are always sticklers for what is rigidly proper, andhave a great readiness in detecting hidden impropriety of speech orthought, which by less scrupulous people would be wholly unsuspected.Thus, if they pay a visit to the theatre, they sit all night in aperfect agony lest anything improper or immoral should proceed from thestage; and if anything should happen to be said which admits of a doubleconstruction, they never fail to take it up directly, and to express bytheir looks the great outrage which their feelings have sustained.Perhaps this is their chief reason for absenting themselves almostentirely from places of public amusement. They go sometimes to theExhibition of the Royal Academy;?but that is often more shocking thanthe stage itself, and the formal lady thinks that it really is high timeMr. Etty was prosecuted and made a public example of.

We made one at a christening party not long since, where there wereamongst the guests a formal couple, who suffered the acutest torturefrom certain jokes, incidental to such an occasion, cut?and very likelydried also?by one of the godfathers; a red-faced elderly gentleman, who,being highly popular with the rest of the company, had it all his ownway, and was in great spirits. It was at supper-time that thisgentleman came out in full force. We?being of a grave and quietdemeanour?had been chosen to escort the formal lady down-stairs, and,

sitting beside her, had a favourable opportunity of observing her emotions.

We have a shrewd suspicion that, in the very beginning, and in the firstblush?literally the first blush?of the matter, the formal lady had notfelt quite certain whether the being present at such a ceremony, andencouraging, as it were, the public exhibition of a baby, was not an actinvolving some degree of indelicacy and impropriety; but certain we arethat when that baby?s health was drunk, and allusions were made, by agrey-headed gentleman proposing it, to the time when he had dandled inhis arms the young Christian?s mother,?certain we are that then theformal lady took the alarm, and recoiled from the old gentleman as froma hoary profligate. Still she bore it; she fanned herself with anindignant air, but still she bore it. A comic song was sung, involvinga confession from some imaginary gentleman that he had kissed a female,and yet the formal lady bore it. But when at last, the health of thegodfather before-mentioned being drunk, the godfather rose to returnthanks, and in the course of his observations darkly hinted at babiesyet unborn, and even contemplated the possibility of the subject of thatfestival having brothers and sisters, the formal lady could endure nomore, but, bowing slightly round, and sweeping haughtily past theoffender, left the room in tears, under the protection of the formalgentleman.

THE LOVING COUPLE

There cannot be a better practical illustration of the wise saw andancient instance, that there may be too much of a good thing, than ispresented by a loving couple. Undoubtedly it is meet and proper thattwo persons joined together in holy matrimony should be loving, andunquestionably it is pleasant to know and see that they are so; butthere is a time for all things, and the couple who happen to be alwaysin a loving state before company, are well-nigh intolerable.

And in taking up this position we would have it distinctly understoodthat we do not seek alone the sympathy of bachelors, in whose objectionto loving couples we recognise interested motives and personalconsiderations. We grant that to that unfortunate class of societythere may be something very irritating, tantalising, and provoking, inbeing compelled to witness those gentle endearments and chasteinterchanges which to loving couples are quite the ordinary business oflife. But while we recognise the natural character of the prejudice towhich these unhappy men are subject, we can neither receive theirbiassed evidence, nor address ourself to their inflamed and angeredminds. Dispassionate experience is our only guide; and in these moralessays we seek no less to reform hymeneal offenders than to hold out atimely warning to all rising couples, and even to those who have not yet

set forth upon their pilgrimage towards the matrimonial market.

Let all couples, present or to come, therefore profit by the example ofMr. and Mrs. Leaver, themselves a loving couple in the first degree.

Mr. and Mrs. Leaver are pronounced by Mrs. Starling, a widow lady wholost her husband when she was young, and lost herself about thesame-time?for by her own count she has never since grown five yearsolder?to be a perfect model of wedded felicity. ?You would suppose,?says the romantic lady, ?that they were lovers only just now engaged.Never was such happiness! They are so tender, so affectionate, soattached to each other, so enamoured, that positively nothing can bemore charming!?

?Augusta, my soul,? says Mr. Leaver. ?Augustus, my life,? replies Mrs.Leaver. ?Sing some little ballad, darling,? quoth Mr. Leaver. ?Icouldn?t, indeed, dearest,? returns Mrs. Leaver. ?Do, my dove,? saysMr. Leaver. ?I couldn?t possibly, my love,? replies Mrs. Leaver; ?andit?s very naughty of you to ask me.? ?Naughty, darling!? cries Mr.Leaver. ?Yes, very naughty, and very cruel,? returns Mrs. Leaver, ?foryou know I have a sore throat, and that to sing would give me greatpain. You?re a monster, and I hate you. Go away!? Mrs. Leaver hassaid ?go away,? because Mr. Leaver has tapped her under the chin: Mr.Leaver not doing as he is bid, but on the contrary, sitting down besideher, Mrs. Leaver slaps Mr. Leaver; and Mr. Leaver in return slaps Mrs.Leaver, and it being now time for all persons present to look the otherway, they look the other way, and hear a still small sound as ofkissing, at which Mrs. Starling is thoroughly enraptured, and whispersher neighbour that if all married couples were like that, what a heaventhis earth would be!

The loving couple are at home when this occurs, and maybe only three orfour friends are present, but, unaccustomed to reserve upon thisinteresting point, they are pretty much the same abroad. Indeed uponsome occasions, such as a pic-nic or a water-party, their lovingness iseven more developed, as we had an opportunity last summer of observingin person.

There was a great water-party made up to go to Twickenham and dine, andafterwards dance in an empty villa by the river-side, hired expresslyfor the purpose. Mr. and Mrs. Leaver were of the company; and it wasour fortune to have a seat in the same boat, which was an eight-oaredgalley, manned by amateurs, with a blue striped awning of the samepattern as their Guernsey shirts, and a dingy red flag of the same shadeas the whiskers of the stroke oar. A coxswain being appointed, and allother matters adjusted, the eight gentlemen threw themselves into strongparoxysms, and pulled up with the tide, stimulated by the compassionateremarks of the ladies, who one and all exclaimed, that it seemed animmense exertion?as indeed it did. At first we raced the other boat,which came alongside in gallant style; but this being found an

unpleasant amusement, as giving rise to a great quantity of splashing,and rendering the cold pies and other viands very moist, it wasunanimously voted down, and we were suffered to shoot a-head, while thesecond boat followed ingloriously in our wake.

It was at this time that we first recognised Mr. Leaver. There were twofiremen-watermen in the boat, lying by until somebody was exhausted; andone of them, who had taken upon himself the direction of affairs, washeard to cry in a gruff voice, ?Pull away, number two?give it her,number two?take a longer reach, number two?now, number two, sir, thinkyou?re winning a boat.? The greater part of the company had no doubtbegun to wonder which of the striped Guernseys it might be that stood inneed of such encouragement, when a stifled shriek from Mrs. Leaverconfirmed the doubtful and informed the ignorant; and Mr. Leaver, stillfurther disguised in a straw hat and no neckcloth, was observed to be ina fearful perspiration, and failing visibly. Nor was the generalconsternation diminished at this instant by the same gentleman (in theperformance of an accidental aquatic feat, termed ?catching a crab?)plunging suddenly backward, and displaying nothing of himself to thecompany, but two violently struggling legs. Mrs. Leaver shrieked againseveral times, and cried piteously??Is he dead? Tell me the worst. Ishe dead??

Now, a moment?s reflection might have convinced the loving wife, thatunless her husband were endowed with some most surprising powers ofmuscular action, he never could be dead while he kicked so hard; butstill Mrs. Leaver cried, ?Is he dead? is he dead?? and still everybodyelse cried??No, no, no,? until such time as Mr. Leaver was replaced in asitting posture, and his oar (which had been going through all kinds ofwrong-headed performances on its own account) was once more put in hishand, by the exertions of the two firemen-watermen. Mr. Leaver thenexclaimed, ?Augustus, my child, come to me;? and Mr. Leaver said,?Augusta, my love, compose yourself, I am not injured.? But Mrs. Leavercried again more piteously than before, ?Augustus, my child, come tome;? and now the company generally, who seemed to be apprehensive thatif Mr. Leaver remained where he was, he might contribute more than hisproper share towards the drowning of the party, disinterestedly tookpart with Mrs. Leaver, and said he really ought to go, and that he wasnot strong enough for such violent exercise, and ought never to haveundertaken it. Reluctantly, Mr. Leaver went, and laid himself down atMrs. Leaver?s feet, and Mrs. Leaver stooping over him, said, ?OhAugustus, how could you terrify me so?? and Mr. Leaver said, ?Augusta,my sweet, I never meant to terrify you;? and Mrs. Leaver said, ?You arefaint, my dear;? and Mr. Leaver said, ?I am rather so, my love;? andthey were very loving indeed under Mrs. Leaver?s veil, until at lengthMr. Leaver came forth again, and pleasantly asked if he had not heardsomething said about bottled stout and sandwiches.

Mrs. Starling, who was one of the party, was perfectly delighted withthis scene, and frequently murmured half-aside, ?What a loving couple